Dirty Dishes: A Window to the Soul?

Am I a bad person for not doing the dishes every day?

I am the washer of dishes in my household. I am also a recovering productivity and output maximizer. I fell in with the life optimization crowd shortly after graduating college as it seemed like the most straightforward way to become a big boy and achieve my dreams. What were my dreams? I’m still not sure, but I did know that I want to do big things. Almost every podcast, video, movie, or TV show led me to believe that success only comes with hard work and discipline. So naturally, I tried to become disciplined in every area of my life.

When it came to the dishes, the rules I set for myself were very simple: at the end of the day, there could be no dirty dishes in the sink. It didn’t matter if we stayed out late with friends or if I was exhausted from playing basketball, the dishes had to be done. Then when I woke up in the morning and walked into the kitchen to make my breakfast, I wouldn’t have to be visually assaulted by a sink stacked full of dirty dishes. I created this rule because every time I skipped dishes, I would see those dirty plates and see visions of my life falling apart. In my mind, by not doing the dishes, I was on the road to not accomplishing anything in my life.

It took me a few years, but I’ve finally realized this is not a healthy way of thinking. All-or-nothing thinking is a concept from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that cautions against thinking one mistake will be the end of the world. I had unknowingly fallen into this trap. I don’t really care about dirty dishes, I care about how they make me feel. Now if I skip a day of dishes because I’m sick, I know it won’t affect my overall output at all and I feel fine about it the next day.

Maybe in the end, this will result in me accomplishing less during my life. Even if that happens, I’m pretty confident the drop in output won’t be that steep, because thanks to the law of diminishing marginal returns, the extra stress I’m placing on myself to maintain my arbitrary rules is probably only squeezing out an extra 2-3% of output. It’s impossible to quantify just how much better of a mental state I’m in now, but I know it’s definitely a tradeoff I’m willing to make.

But now that I’m being kinder to myself, I will have to be careful because there is some truth to the idea of a slippery slope. The only thing I’ll have to monitor is how often I use the “being kind to myself” card to not do things. For example, I’ve been working out in the mornings at 8 before I start working. But during the holidays and a couple of weeks after, I’ve been super tired when I wake up so now I sleep in a bit and work out later in the morning. If at some point I start skipping the workout entirely to “be kind to myself,” then I’ll know I have a problem. Because that wouldn’t actually be a kind thing to do. I’d be sacrificing my physical health which is unacceptable.

So the question of doing the dishes or not has become an actual question, rather than an imperative. I’ve accepted that some days I might just not have it in me and that has to be ok. At the end of the day, I’m still doing about the same amount of stuff as before and I feel much better overall. What more can you ask for?